Mount Olympus
by HollyIvy Crown
Summary: 'An Assortment of Greek Legends rolled into one play in a contemporary setting...' A play I wrote when I was 14. It's meant to be funny. Feel free to use the script in real life (let me know if you do).
1. List of characters

MOUNT OLYMPUS

(An Assortment of Greek Legends rolled into one play in a contemporary setting)

Written on 13 May 2006

Character List (in order of appearance):

Hestia: Goddess of the household

Selene: Goddess of the moon

Demeter: Goddess of harvests

Persephone: Demeter's daughter

Hermes: Messenger of the gods

Iris: Messenger of the gods, friend to Hermes

Zeus: King of the gods

Dionysus: God of wine

Artemis: Goddess of hunting

Athene: Goddess of crafts and wisdom

Aphrodite: Goddess of beauty

Daphne: Wood nymph, friend of Persephone

Apollo: God of light, music and poetry

Eros: God of love, Aphrodite's son

Eris: Goddess of strife and quarrels

Poseidon:  God of the sea

Hera: Goddess of women and Zeus' official wife


	2. Scene 1

Scene 1

"A Busy Morning"

BLACK OUT

(There is a sound of snoring in the darkness)

HESTIA

Rise and shine!

(LIGHTS ON. HESTIA makes herself busy in a modern kitchen. Selene enters)

HESTIA

Good morning, Selene!

SELENE

Oh hi! (Yawns) I'm just going back to bed – the moon needs to rest i.e. me. Has Eos woken up?

HESTIA

Well obviously, dear, and Helios has gone to make his long journey around the world yet again.

SELENE

Well bye bye!

(SELENE waves and walks off stage, yawning. Demeter and Persephone enter. Persephone literally bounces with happiness)

HESTIA

Good morning, Demeter. Good morning, Persephone.

DEMETER

We gathered some more wheat for your famous cereal and –

PERSEPHONE

-we picked some nice flowers!

(PERSEPHONE holds out a bunch of narcissus flowers to HESTIA)

HESTIA

Oh how lovely!

(HESTIA places the flowers into a nearby vase and arranges them)

PERSEPHONE

I'm going out with my friends now to pick more flowers. Bye!

(PERSEPHONE runs off stage)

DEMETER

I'm just going to see what Zeus is doing, bye!

(DEMETER exits)

HESTIA

(to the audience) No one wants to talk to me properly today. They're too busy!

(HESTIA thinks for a moment)

Well so am I.


	3. Scene 2

Scene 2

"The kidnap of Persephone"

(HERMES and IRIS walk on stage. ZEUS is sitting in an armchair, looking thunderstruck)

HERMES

Hey! What's the matter, Dad?

(ZEUS does not answer)

IRIS

Yeah, what's the matter, Zeus?

HERMES

Dad, what's up?

(HERMES shakes ZEUS gently. IRIS kneels down beside ZEUS.)

IRIS

What's wrong? Please tell us. You can trust us.

ZEUS

Hades is planning something bad. I can feel it in my bones.

(Suddenly there is a blood-curdling scream)

ZEUS

Something has happened to Persephone.

DEMETER

(OFFSTAGE)

He's taken her, he's taken her.

(DEMETER rushes in with tears running down her face)

DEMETER

Hades, how could you?!

(DEMETER collapses on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. IRIS bends over her.)

IRIS

Demeter, calm down.

DEMETER

How can I calm down when my daughter is taken to Hades, to be with that foul creature, in a gloomy place, forever?! She is a happy goddess. How can she live among the dead? How could he take an innocent girl like her, just walking in the fields? How could he take her against her will? He's her uncle, by Mount Olympus!

(DEMETER leaves, crying)

HERMES

Should I see Hades, Father?

ZEUS

No, not yet. We'll see how it goes.

(HERMES and IRIS look at each other with puzzled faces. BLACKOUT)


	4. Scene 3

Scene 3

"Foolish Mortals"

(HESTIA's kitchen. DIONYSUS is 'entertaining' her)

DIONYSUS

And then this guy comes in and says –

HESTIA

This joke is turning into your life story, but anyway…

(The door slams. ARTEMIS enters, looking sulky)

HESTIA

Hello Artemis!

(ARTEMIS grunts)

HESTIA

(Unsure what to say)

Erm… didn't catch that, dear.

(ARTEMIS flings what she's carrying on the worktop)

DIONYSUS

(Waving his hands around, looking a bit drunk!) Well done! You're a good hunter (aside) for a girl.

ARTEMIS

I'm sick of mortals spying on me.

(ARTEMIS collapses into a chair)

Why me? That stupid man… he's called… there, you see! He's so stupid that I've forgotten his name.

DIONYSUS

(hiccups)

It's Acty or summat…

HESTIA

(corrects him) It's Actaeon.

ARTEMIS

Whatever. Anyway, he's so per-

HESTIA

(trying to change the subject) So what did you do?

ARTEMIS

(bluntly) Turned him into a deer.

(A grin spreads across ARTEMIS's face)

Then his dogs tore him into –

DIONYSUS

(hiccups)

Well I would have done that if I were you, Athene.

HESTIA

(sharply)

Artemis, you fool.

DIONYSUS

(giggles)

No, that one behind her.

(ATHENE has entered silently and is standing behind ARTEMIS. She has the same glum expression as ARTEMIS had when she first entered the room. ATHENE collapses into a chair next to ARTEMIS)

HESTIA

Hello, Athene.

(ATHENE does not answer)

How was your day?

ATHENE

Pretty crap if you ask me. Some stupid mortal called Arachne challenged me to a weaving contest. I wove a beautiful tapestry (aside) even though I do say so myself.

(ATHENE stands up, spreading her arms, lost in memory)

A magnificent tapestry. Lots of gods were in it. Dad was (she pauses). You were in it, Arty. Everyone was in it.

(ARTEMIS's face glows. ATHENE looks away reminiscently. There is a long pause.)

HESTIA

And?!

ATHENE

(Bitterly) Oh, she did a perfectly horrible one of us gods being weak and corrupt. Lying little spider.

(ATHENE slowly grins)

So, I turned her into one.

HESTIA

(briskly) Good riddance.

(APHRODITE enters. She does not frown but looks grave)

APHRODITE

Hi everyone!

(DIONYSUS hiccups)

APHRODITE

Poor Echo.

(APHRODITE's voice echoes)

HESTIA

What a peculiar sound!

APHRODITE

Yes, it is that of the poor nymph Echo.

ARTEMIS

Oh… Echo. The wood nymph, my friend – but what's happened to her?

(There is a pause. APHRODITE picks up the flowers on the worktop which PERSEPHONE gave to HESTIA)

APHRODITE

Narcissus.

HESTIA

Oh, Persephone picked some of those this morning. I never knew they were called after –

APHRODITE

This is what's left of Narcissus. He rejected the poor nymph Echo, whom Hera –

(APHRODITE pauses, looks around and continues in a whisper)

Made her speak the last words of others instead of her own.

(HESTIA, ATHENE and ARTEMIS nod surreptitiously. DIONYSUS falls into a stupor)

APHRODITE

Anyway, I was really angry with him and I made him fall in love with his own reflection.

(APHRODITE looks up at the ceiling dreamily)

He just sat by the pool, looking for hours and hours on end by himself.

(APHRODITE grins an evil grin, and holds up the flowers)

All that was left of him, were these.

(There is a long pause. DIONYSUS starts snoring)

HESTIA

Well, I hope that's taught those foolish mortals a lesson. Now, who wants to help me make some cereal?

ARTEMIS

Oh no, gotta practise my archery.

(ARTEMIS exits)

HESTIA

Athene? Come on, you like making things.

ATHENE

No, sorry, got to practise archery with Artemis (pauses)… and talk to Apollo too.

(ATHENE exits)

HESTIA

Aphrodite?

APHRODITE

Erm… well… you see I've got a hot date –

(HESTIA gasps. She is incredulous)

HESTIA

A hot date?! I thought you were married to Hephaestus!?

(APHRODITE tries to shush HESTIA. DIONYSUS stirs and opens his eyes. The goddesses do not notice)

APHRODITE

(whispers)

I'm going out with Ares. I have to wash my hair –

HESTIA

Do you know why all the others envy you? Your hair! (pause) It's so…

DIONYSUS

Hairy?!

(The two goddesses jump and laugh nervously)

APHRODITE

Very funny, Uncle D. Why don't you help Aunty Hestia make cereal? You are the god of vegetation, aren't you?

(APHRODITE smirks and exits)

DIONYSUS

I'm not very good at making cereal, but I'll tell you this joke.

(DIONYSUS clears throat. HESTIA looks at the audience and rolls her eyes)

A man goes into the pub, right and …

HESTIA

(to the audience) Here we go again…

(BLACKOUT)


	5. Scene 4

Scene 4

"The Arrows of Love"

(In a wood. IRIS and HERMES sit together, while ATHENE and ARTEMIS watch APOLLO with a bow and arrow. EROS sits unobserved in a tree)

IRIS

So… did you go and see Hades?

HERMES

No… why?

IRIS

Well, Persephone wouldn't like it down in the Underworld. When I take the form of a rainbow, I see her happy and smiling, with her nymph friends. Oh look, there's one of them now.

(DAPHNE enters)

IRIS

Hi! Do you know where Persephone is?

DAPHNE

(shudders)

Oooh, she was taken away by Hades. I was there. Persephone fell into a crack in the ground and was dragged under.

(IRIS gasps. HERMES looks concerned. We switch to EROS, who sits in a tree watching APOLLO)

EROS

Apollo's stupid. He doesn't know anything about love.

(To the audience)

I was having an archery competition yesterday against him.

(Sulkily)

He won. He said that my arrows may be full of love, but his aims were more accurate. I'll make him pay. I'll show him how accurate my arrows are.

(Focus switches to IRIS, HERMES and DAPHNE)

DAPHNE

Well… see you, and if you see Persephone anywhere, tell her that I hope she is alrigh-

HERMES

(cuts her off)

Yeah, yeah, ok… bye.

DAPHNE

(Her face serious)

Bye.

(DAPHNE walks slowly into the woods. ARTEMIS talks to APOLLO)

ARTEMIS

Dear brother, why do you not take notice of ladies who fall at your feet?

ATHENE

Yeah, I wish I had lovers who would do that.

APOLLO

(Flicking back his long hair)

You two are mistaken. I'll never fall in love. Never!

(EROS fires arrow at APOLLO. APOLLO closes his eyes and looks at DAPHNE)

APOLLO

Who are you? O fairest of the nymphs –

DAPHNE

I-I beg your pardon?

APOLLO

(gets on his knees)

In all my life, I have seen many beautiful things in the world, but you are the most beautiful of all.

(APOLLO grabs DAPHNE's hand. IRIS looks at HERMES, mouth open. ARTEMIS and ATHENE roll their eyes. EROS struggles to control his glee. DAPHNE shakes off APOLLO)

DAPHNE

But – but you said just now, you w-would never f-fall in love.

APOLLO

But I have now.

(DAPHNE backs away)

DAPHNE

I really d-don't f-feel the same way.

(DAPHNE runs off stage)

APOLLO

Oh no. Why do you desert me? Don't you know I love you more than all theworld?

(APOLLO exits in pursuit of DAPHNE. EROS audibly giggles)

HERMES

(amused) I think I know that little voice. (looks up) Erotic Eros!

(EROS zooms out of the tree and lands on the ground in front of the other gods)

ARTEMIS

I wish my arrows were magical like yours, brother.

IRIS

I wish I could fire arrows.

ATHENE

I wish I could have thought up that idea in the first place.

HERMES

(mockingly)

But I'm sure your mamma won't be very pleased.

EROS

(saccharine)

Mummy always loves to hear that I've been using my sweet gift sweetly.

(EROS giggles and flies away. BLACKOUT)


	6. Scene 5

Scene 5

"The Tree"

(DAPHNE runs on stage into a clearing)

DAPHNE

That left him confused, but… I hear his footsteps.

(DAPHNE spreads her arms and looks skywards)

O Zeus, O Demeter. Like my fellow nymph Syrinx, turn me into a plant forever, for I do not love Apollo -

(APOLLO sprints onstage and flings his arms around DAPHNE. He then steps back, alarmed)

APOLLO

I'm sure that sweet Daphne was here before. And here stands this tree I have never seen before in my life. I pronounce this tree sacred, for the love of my life has gone, has turned into this and I will wear her leaves.

(APOLLO slides down and puts his arms around the tree. BLACK OUT)


	7. Scene 6

Scene 6

"Everything is resolved – in the end"

(HESTIA's kitchen. HESTIA looks worried. ERIS is sitting on a chair looking smug)

HESTIA

(Looks at her hand and shows it to ERIS)

Look, Eris. That's all the flour we've got left.

ERIS

(Sarcastically)

Shame.

HESTIA

And I think it's to do with Demeter.

ERIS

(Sarcastically)

Why? What's Demeter got to do with your cereal making?

HESTIA

Everything, silly. And we're running out of vegetables –

ERIS

And meat –

HESTIA

Why meat?

ERIS

Use your knowledge, fool of a goddess. If there's no food, all the animals die of starvation. Those poor wretched mortals –

HESTIA

Don't call those helpless mortals wretches. It's not their fault –

ERIS

You only like them because they pray to you at mealtimes –

HESTIA

Well you're calling those mortals wretched because they haven't worshipped you in a while now, have they?

ERIS

(Threatening)

Don't you talk to me like that.

HESTIA

I can talk to you any way I want.

ERIS

Well, you're far too sympathetic. You're a wuss.

(There is a pause)

HESTIA

What did you call me?

ERIS

A wuss. (She rolls her eyes). Don't you have any brain?

(There is another pause. HESTIA looks mutinous. ERIS looks smug)

HESTIA

Get out of my kitchen.

ERIS

But –

HESTIA

Get out!

(ERIS flounces offstage and there's the sound of a door being slammed. There is a roll of thunder)

HESTIA

(To the audience)

Never be in a room which has Eris in it. It's like picking an argument on purpose. Well…

(HESTIA pauses)

Of course it is. She's the goddess of quarrels after all.

(HESTIA surveys the room and spots a vase of dead-looking flowers on the worktop. She groans)

Oh no! I only picked these yesterday.

(HESTIA empties the vase and chucks the dead flowers in the bin. HESTIA addresses the audience again, looking worried)

I haven't seen Demeter for ages. Hermes said he saw her wandering the field of the mortal world down below. And she hasn't responded to any of the mortals' sacrifices for good harvests. And she hasn't been getting wheat for me to make my cereal.

(POSEIDON enters)

HESTIA

Greetings, Poseidon. I haven't seen you for so long. Where have you been?

POSEIDON

(Wearily)

I've been searching for Demeter. I want some of her corn. After about a million years, I've grown tired of seaweed already.

HESTIA

If only I had enough flour to make some bread for you, but I've only got stale bread. I can give you some if you want?

POSEIDON

Oh yes. Anything for bread.

(HESTIA wanders over to the cupboard)

HESTIA

How's Amphitrite?

POSEIDON

Oh yeah… fine… fine… You wouldn't know anything about married life, would you?

HESTIA

(Brightly) No idea, sorry!

(POSEIDON grimaces at the audience, and then perks up when HESTIA brings over a plate with stale bread on it)

POSEIDON

Great! Food.

(As POSEIDON takes a bite, HERA enters.)

HERA

Poseidon! I haven't seen you for ages! How cold the sea looks as Demeter has left us.

(POSEIDON chokes on the bread)

POSEIDON

She hasn't, has she? She hasn't left Olympus?

HESTIA

Hera is right. She's gone to wander the world aimlessly. The crops are dying, the people are starving… everything's going wrong. The only edible food we've got is ambrosia, but how will it feed the mortals who worship us?

ZEUS

(OFFSTAGE) Exactly!

(ZEUS enters, looking downcast)

ZEUS

It's Persephone. She has to stay in the Underworld forever.

(HERA and HESTIA gasp. POSEIDON looks even more grave)

HERA

Why, darling? What happened?

(ZEUS sits down on a chair)

ZEUS

Well, Hermes has just told me that Persephone refused to eat anything and Hades said that if she ate anything, she would stay in the Underworld. But when she thought no one was looking, she ate some pomegranate seeds.

(HERA, HESTIA and POSEIDON groan)

HESTIA

You must speak to Hades, Zeus. If you don't, all the mortals will die… and who will be left to worship us? And Demeter will die too if it carries on.

POSEIDON

Yeah, I would speak to Hades, but he thinks I'm all wishy washy… and you've got the power. Hestia, what do you mean when you say Demeter will die? She's immortal.

HERA

(dismissively)

Whatever, Poseidon. (Turns to Zeus) Just go there and get it all over with… for all our sakes.

ZEUS

Yup, I'll do it.

(ZEUS gets up and exits)

POSEIDON

Well, I'd better get back to the sea. Thanks for the bread, Hestia.

HESTIA

Well, if Zeus succeeds, you can come back for more any time.

POSEIDON

Cheers!

(POSEIDON exits. HERA sits down in the chair)

HERA

Hestia. Can I have a heart to heart with you about something?

HESTIA

Yeah, of course… shoot.

HERA

I'm worried about Apollo.

HESTIA

What about him?

HERA

Well he –

(APOLLO bursts on stage. He has the grin of a maniac and skips around the room, a bunch of flowers in his hands)

APOLLO

I'm in LUUURVE…

HESTIA

(puzzled) With who?

HERA

(Coldly) A tree.

HESTIA

(incredulous)

A tree?

APOLLO

(in a daze)

No… Daphne, sweet Daphne.

HERA

Daphne was a wood nymph and she turned herself into a tree to get away from him. I'm not surprised to be honest.

(ERIS enters, smirking when she sees Apollo. She starts taunting him)

ERIS

(chanting)

You're in love with a tree. You're in love with a tree…

HESTIA

(sternly)

Eris. I've told you. Get out of my kitchen.

ERIS

I can go wherever I want. You can't make me.

HERA

Oh leave her be, sister. You can't escape trouble.

(IRIS enters, looking pleased)

IRIS

Hades decided to let Persephone go. Isn't that great! But only for six months. Then she goes back to stay with him for the rest of the year.

(DEMETER and PERSEPHONE skip in, laden with food)

DEMETER

I'm so happy. _Laetus sum._

HESTIA

That's Latin, darling.

DEMETER

Whatever. Come on, Persephone. Let's go out into all the fields, while you're still with us.

HERA

I'll join you.

(HERA, PERSEPHONE, IRIS and DEMETER exit, leaving ERIS, APOLLO and HESTIA onstage)

ERIS

(Sullenly)

I'm going to my room. I can't bear all this happiness.

(ERIS exits. APOLLO has been in a dream-like state all this time. HESTIA watches him helplessly)

APOLLO

(Starts singing 'Out of my mind' by James Blunt)

_I'm out of my mind_

_I'm out of my mind_

_I'm out of my mind_

(Starts singing 'I will always love you' by Whitney Houston in a high-pitched voice)

_And I will always love you_

(APOLLO keeps singing whilst meandering off stage. He finally exits. HESTIA looks at the audience. She breathes a sigh of relief)

HESTIA

Well, I'd better get going with my cereal.

BLACK OUT

THE END.


End file.
